


The Truth about Harry Potter

by caramelariana



Series: The Authoress Fics [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Draco pretends to be confused, Fun with Tags, Harry is Confused, M/M, Self-Insert, Sorry Not Sorry, Spoilers, crack!fic, fanfiction making fun of itself, proof of my insanity, seriously pointless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-15
Updated: 2015-10-15
Packaged: 2018-04-26 13:49:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5007118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caramelariana/pseuds/caramelariana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Authoress sits down with her favorite boys to find out what really happened at the end of the series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Truth about Harry Potter

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on ff.net on 7/30/10. Reposted with edits.
> 
> I had way too much fun writing this. And five years later I still crack up, though that might just be a sign of my mental instability. I hope someone enjoys this as much as I still do.

_Fade in._

An average-looking girl of an average age with average hair walked into a…

Wait a minute! I'm the author. I get to decide what I look like in this fic!

A young woman with blue spiked hair and purple highlights (not unlike an anime character) and green eyes (probably contacts) walked into a room with a large TV screen surrounded by comfortable couches. In the middle of the room stood a large coffee table. It was covered with bowls of varying snacks: popcorn, M & M's, tortilla chips (with queso), and pretzels. There were several cans of assorted sodas. The woman surveyed the room. Noticing something missing she ran to find it, and quickly returned with a remote control.

With a grin she sat down in the middle of the couch facing the TV screen. With a last reassurance that she had angled everything correctly, she pressed the instant button.

Instantly two figures dropped from the ceiling and landed on the couch on either side of her.

One figure was a young man with dark, unruly hair and a very prominent scar on his forehead. Large green eyes blinked in confusion behind large black glasses.

The other figure was a young man with platinum blond hair that was obviously well maintained. Silver grey eyes glared at our eccentric hostess.

"Where is my wand?" asked the blond.

The woman smirked, but decided there would be plenty of time for innuendos later. "How very astute of you Mr. Malfoy. I made sure you would be wandless when you arrived."

At this, the dark-haired man urgently searched his clothes. "My wand's missing too!"

The woman and Mr. Malfoy, as we've learned his name to be, rolled their eyes.

If one has been able to identify the two young men by description alone, they would have noticed that the inevitable fight between the two had yet to break out. Let it be noted that the hostess planned for just this. In fact, the ploy to remove the wands was in part so that they could not curse her. However, it was more for the fact that the two would be so disturbed over their missing wands, that they would have little attention to give to their rivalry.

"Why are we here?" asked Mr. Malfoy.

The hostess smiled. "I'm so glad you asked. My name is Ariana, the author of the fanfic that you are currently in."

They blinked. "What's a fanfic?"

Ariana sighed. Why did she always have to explain these things to her guest characters? "You are characters in a story."

"Yes." "We know that."

"So fanfics are the fans' ideas of how your story should really be told."

"Well that's ridiculous. J.K. Rowling got it right," responded the dark-haired man.

"Is that so Mr. Potter?" Ariana probed.

Mr. Potter nodded. "Yes. And would you please call me Harry?"

"As you wish, Harry," acquiesced the author. "But to be fair that means I must call him Draco."

Draco shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever. But before we go any further we must acknowledge that J.K. Rowling did, in fact,  _not_ get it right."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "And what makes you say that,  _Malfoy_?"

Draco sneered. "She turned me into a pathetic, sniveling weakling!"

"Well…"

Ariana cut in before the inevitable fight could, inevitably, occur. "I thought we put this rivalry behind you at the end of book seven!"

***Public Service Announcement: Spoiler Alert. Do not continue if you do not know what happened at the end of book seven and do not care to find out through a fanfiction.***

"And that book is exactly why J.K. Rowling got it wrong!" announced Draco triumphantly.

Ariana blinked in confusion. "So…you guys still hate each other's guts?"

"That's not what I was talking about, but yes we do."

"Actually," interrupted Harry. "I don't really care that much about it any—"

"The point is, J.K. Rowling paired me with some no-name character that you never hear about until the epilogue in book seven!"

Ariana nodded. "I suspected that would not be true. But to be fair, you aren't exactly at the age that is mentioned in the epilogue."

Draco stood up menacingly. "Why on earth would I marry Greengrass's younger sister! And Scorpius! I would never name my son such a horrible name!"

Using the instant button on her remote control, Ariana forced Draco to sit down.

"I actually liked the epilogue," pondered Harry, ignoring Draco's indignant cry.

"So you do end up with Ginny?" asked Ariana, a little disappointed.

"Ha!" cried Draco. "They broke up six months ago! I read it in the Daily Prophet."

Ariana grinned. "Do you often keep track of what's going on in Harry's life?"

"What? No!" sputtered Draco. "No, I just read the Prophet regularly. I like to keep informed."

"About Harry's life?"

"No!" Draco took a breath and composed himself. He turned to Harry. "Although it was a little vague about the reason for the break up."

Harry turned beet red. "It's not important," he mumbled.

Though interested in this new topic, Ariana sensed she may be losing readers. She quickly took control of the situation. "Well, anyway, that's not the reason I brought you here. I wanted to know who in the fan-world has it right, and who is way off. So, we're going to play a little game I like to call 'What's Up with That'."

She turned the TV screen on and a fanfic scenario popped up.

_Hermione x Ron_

With great insight as to the purpose of the game, Harry immediately answered. "You read the book, of course they end up together. They're happily married."

A look of disgust crossed Draco's face. "Disgusting, but accurate."

_Draco x Hermione_

Draco was unable to answer as he was busy dry-heaving.

Harry looked disturbed. "Never, ever, in all eternity, would that even make sense."

_Sirius x Severus_

Draco laughed hysterically.

Harry shuddered. "As good a man as Severus Snape was, I don't think this would happen. Sirius hated Snape."

Ariana pouted. "I really like this one though. Don't you think they would have some type of reconciliation in the afterlife?"

Draco continued to laugh.

Harry shook his head. "It's just…disturbing."

Any character creature fic

Harry sighed. "The only main character who was also a creature was Remus. Unless you count Hagrid as a half-giant."

"There is Fleur," pointed out Draco. "She's a Veela."

"Right," agreed Harry.

Ariana smiled secretively. Her diabolical plan was falling into place.

_Femme-Harry or Femme-Draco_

"I am 100% male," cried Draco indignantly.

"I have never wanted to be a woman, and I never will," assured Harry.

Ariana nodded. "I totally agree. I have never liked when an author gives characters a sex change. I find it as a cop out for not wanting to have a…well, we'll get to that later," she finished evasively.

Draco and Harry both felt that they had gotten in way over their heads, but neither was willing to admit it.

_M-Preg_

"Absolutely not!" cried Draco.

"Yeah, isn't that physically impossible?" asked Harry.

"Well," began Ariana, "they usually come up with some magical reason, like a potion, a curse, some kind of mating ritual, or the creature fics."

Harry thought about this.

Draco shook his head. "I've never heard of any such thing."

Ariana released a sigh of relief. "I'm glad. I personally don't like my male characters to give birth. There's plenty of children that need adoption."

"Especially after the war," said Draco, a touch of emotion coloring his words.

Harry looked at him contemplatively.

Ariana smiled secretly.

_Gundam Wing – Harry Potter crossover_

"What is Gundam Wing?" asked Draco.

"Completely different universe," answered Ariana.

"Then what do they have to do with us," asked Harry.

"Nothing."

They shook their heads, confused.

"I like it," said Ariana. "All my favorite couples in one story!"

Draco raised an eyebrow.

"I don't think it's ever happened," assured Harry.

Ariana shrugged, and then grinned as she realized the next topic. Composing herself she got ready to show the grand finale. "Okay you guys, I'm about to show the last one. Are you ready?"

Harry and Draco shared a concerned look as Ariana was obviously excited.

_Draco x Harry_

The room was silent. Ariana was grinning like a maniac. She turned to her right. Draco was pale. She turned to her left. Harry was red.

"Draco? Harry?" They said nothing. "Well this is no fun if you have nothing to say," she said in frustration.

"I…I…" Draco began. "I don't know what to say to that."

Harry mumbled something.

"What was that?"

"Why do they assume I like guys?"

"Well that is why you broke up with Ginny, right?" Draco and Harry both turned sharply toward Ariana. "What?"

"How did you know that?" asked Harry in shock.

"You mean it's true!" exclaimed Draco.

"Oh shut up Draco," snapped Ariana. "Everyone knows you're a flaming homosexual."

Draco sniffed. "I'd like to say I am a respectable man who has a proper admiration of other men."

"You like boys."

"What's your point?"

"Wait," Harry said, shaking his head as though to clear it. "You're gay?"

"What do you mean 'you're gay'? You just admitted you are too."

Ariana sighed impatiently. "Can we all just skip this coming out boringness and get to the good part?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Draco distantly, though Ariana thought he knew.

"You haven't exactly commented on the pairing."

"Why would people put us together?" asked Harry, though he was still red. "We always fight in the books."

"Sexual frustration. Denial of true feelings. Stereotyping. Going along with the crowd. Take your pick."

"Sexual frustration?" asked Draco with a raised eyebrow.

Ariana grinned because she knew. And she thought that Draco knew she knew. But she was sure Harry didn't know.

Harry remained silent.

Ariana sighed and stared at Draco meaningfully. Draco raised an eyebrow. Ariana stared harder. Draco smirked. Ariana glared. Draco rolled his eyes.

"Will you just do it!" exclaimed Ariana impatiently.

"Do what?" Draco purred. Yes, Ariana was sure that it was a purr.

"You know that I know that you know. He doesn't know. But he does and doesn't realize you do. You know that he does. So let's just end this fic!"

Draco sighed and stood up. Ariana thought she had said the right thing, as she was sure Draco didn't want to be there anymore.

He stood in front of Harry and looked at him expectantly.

Harry grew redder. "What do you want Malfoy?" he whispered.

Draco sighed and rolled his eyes. With a moment of hesitation, he plopped down right on Harry's lap.

Harry was shocked and stared at Draco with wide eyes.

"I want to know," Draco drawled, "what you think of the pairing?"

Harry swallowed. "I might…be persuaded to like it…"

Draco smirked and leaned in for a…

Arian jumped in front of them with a huge grin. "Well, I want to keep this G-Rated, so there will be no PDA. But you're welcome to use your imagination." She wiggled her eyebrows, effectively breaking the fourth wall. "I hope this has answered some of your burning questions about the real Harry and Draco. For all you drarry fans, we win! For those of you who don't like the pairing, or don't like boyxboy relationships, bugger off!"

_Fade to black_


End file.
